When you’re stuck in the past and you’re letting it ruin your future. When you’re stuck in a dream and letting it ruin your present. These are the things that I battle every day.
Was it the right thing to do to leave my abusive husband? Now that he’s sick and in the hospital this is what’s creeping across my mind. We were married for 16 years and we dated for four years before that. That’s half our lives. I just keep having these thoughts like I’ve abandoned him, I took vows after all and I’m not going to lie when he took a turn a few days ago for the worse I balled like a child.
He’s got a girlfriend and they seem happy. His mother is there I know he’s being looked after and yet my own heart has been killing me the last few days in sympathy. I’m worried about what kind of care he’s getting and if they’re making sure that he’s comfortable.
He’s happy. I would be happy if I just stopped letting nonsense like this cross my mind. He’s not what I want anyway. I don’t like being abused. I have grieved my marriage worse than a death though. The person I always thought would be there for me left and that broke me in a way that I don’t think will ever heal. And that’s OK. I am OK .
The dream though, that one actively fucks with me on a semi regular basis, isn’t about him at all.
It’s this guy I went to high school with. We dated for a while back when we were 17 and then again after my divorce briefly. He is one day younger than me which means we are the same astrological sign and therefore ridiculously similar. Both reserved, strong, steady, stable, both materialistic and love shopping, like nice things, nice food, nice places, pretty much detest other people in general and while we both are rock like on the outside, we are soft and gooey inside.
Plus, I swear if I were to show you a picture you’d pass out from the chiseledness. So annoying and not fair because he lives on honey buns and M&Ms.
I know he loves me though he’s never said it. He’s just that kind of redneck. He’s said things in front of me to other people that shock me. He told a friend of ours that he wanted to marry me so bad. That one, that one right there messed my head up so good for so long. There is this electricity between us that is unlike any other I’ve ever felt. He tells me randomly all the time via text that we will always have it.
He is absolutely terrible at communicating. That’s why it didn’t work. He doesn’t communicate and he prioritizes his kids–which is so ok and the way it should be–except that he’s got three boys playing in every single sport hours and hours away from where I live which means we don’t ever see each other.
I know for him, because it is this way for me, the kids come first. Period.
We shine together but here’s the thing: We have not ever lived together, we’ve never put the weight of life, bills, kids, mortgages on our relationship. Without communication things don’t usually work so all the fantasizing is just that fantasy.
Him texting me messes with me for days. We can’t be together. I can’t give my heart to someone else and text and see him every so often. It’s not fair to the person I’m dating nor to me.
My idealizing how things would be with him, creating this life of adventure and passion in my mind that he and I might have is a detriment to what I have right now.
Right now I have a man that I’ve loved for six years. We were separated by time and space for four of those years. All four of those years, he was on my mind and in my heart. He sends me flowers, he loves my children and he makes me coffee every morning. He is an incredible person and he loved me when I didn’t deserve it. He loved me better when I was broken. He is someone I am lucky to have.
The point of this is that I struggle to stay mindful of the good things I already have.
I am always searching for passion and fulfillment in tomorrow when–duh–I have it right now I just have to appreciate it so that it can blossom.
Hoping you have mindfulness about the blessings right in front of you too.
xoxo,
juls
julsredesigned 